


Take No For An Answer

by sublightsleeper



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: M/M, One-Sided Attraction, One-sided pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-22
Updated: 2016-04-22
Packaged: 2018-06-03 20:04:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6624373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sublightsleeper/pseuds/sublightsleeper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Disappointment is one of those things he doesn’t handle well. </p><p>It gets under his skin, abrasive and constant. He’s not a man for cyclical thinking, but it happens. I expected better. It slips in between the phone calls, in between the texts, the arraignments, the indictments.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Take No For An Answer

Disappointment is one of those things he doesn’t handle well.

It gets under his skin, abrasive and constant. He’s not a man for cyclical thinking, but it happens. _I expected better from you_. It slips in between the phone calls, in between the texts, the arraignments, the indictments. When he least expects it, between sips of expensive coffee from the hipster organic place three blocks from his office, it hits him.

That disappointment, coming and going like the tide. Rafael Barba is a graceful loser by sheer force of will, so dependent as he is on his external image. Every word, every step, every suit is about being something other than the stereotypical hotheaded Cuban.

He is not just some kid from the barrio. He is not his scholarships, not his father’s temper.

He is a self made man, and no one can take that from him.

And yet, he finds himself sick with worry, with self doubt over a man. A man. Disgusting. Years of spitting in the face of being called a maricón. Years of watching Eddie fight those battles for him. Like he could protect Rafael from the world.

Eddie isn't here now, and he can't protect Rafael from himself. From the inside of his head where an offhand comment by a disinterested detective has him feeling like something on the bottom of his shoe. When did he fall this far? This hard?

He could blame it on the accent, on his thick, knife's edge voice. On being called _counselor_ with something that sounded like reverence. Shadowed cases. Too many hours spent in close proximity. Rafael had let it go to his head, and now he was paying the price for it.

It wasn't even an outright dismissal. That's what hurt the most, what prodded on his wounded pride and left him feeling breathless with it. It would be one thing to be rejected. That happened, it was a part of life. Rafael could brush off a rejection and move on. But this wasn't definitive. This wasn't a 'no' wrapped up in apologies and good intentions. (He always took Carisi for the type who would apologize for his rejection. Like it was somehow his fault that he wasn't attracted.)

This was being so completely and unequivocally unimportant that he didn't warrant a response, and only got one after a lingering, awkward silence.

 _Tell me, detective. Do you date lawyers?_ Playful, stupid. Murmured with a cocked brow between shifting papers across the massive oak table. They were prepping, Carisi was supposed to testify about a less than credible victim, and they needed all the solid, untouchable testimony they could get.

And what did he get in return for this incredible lapse in judgment? (That feeling that jurors must get, when told to disregard. The words never went away, not really. It might not be on the record, but it was still poisoning their minds, coloring their outlook.)

 _You know, I always wanted to date another cop. I never have, all these years. Dated a nurse once, but not any other cops._ Rafael had been stunned to the kind of silence that sat in the air like a physical weight. The question, and in turn Rafael, had been so completely disregarded that it didn't even warrant a 'no'. It was a punch to the chest, to his ego.

To his heart.

And ever observant, after the long pause and his own questioning look, Carisi had answered. _What? Nah. Nah, I never dated a lawyer neither_.

Being a graceful loser means he doesn't say a word. Back to work, back to business. Being a graceful loser means he doesn't break out the scotch until Carisi excuses himself for the night, cheerful and completely ignorant to just how effectively he stomped on Rafael's heart.

This was his own fault, really. This was his fourth, maybe fifth time nudging in that direction. Making an off hand comment. Letting himself reach out and touch Carisi's elbow. Offering to order take out while they worked. Each and every one of them, brushed aside. And for every little disappointment, Rafael had fooled himself into thinking it was just about time. All he had to do was give the detective time, and he would come around.

This wasn't about time. You could be patient, you could be thorough and you could stew in every bit of love you had for them. But it never made it reciprocal. It never made them love you back.

Maybe it was time for Rafael to learn to take no for an answer, even if it wasn't in as many words.


End file.
